Great advice and solid thinking! I've also clarified this to others by pointing out that God gives judges and rulers the right to judge, but not the regular citizens. I'm not talking about making sure to keep each other accountable, which is also a form of judgement if one thinks about it. Instead, I'm referring to the fact that we should not take vengeance into our own hands or become vigilantes for "justice" that God has not sanctioned.
One sad fact that you mention is that this “Judge not” passage has displaced John 3:16 as the most quoted passage. Perhaps it’s because too many of us have deployed the concept of judging incorrectly. Rather than looking at the log in our own eye first, we’ve focused and condemned the speck in our neighbor’s eye.
It’s always easier to confront the sins of others than our own sins. In fact, the fact that so many of us do this, suggests that we are either blind to our own logs (sins), or we think our sins are lesser than the sins of others, or we’ve struggled with our own sins and are incapable or unwilling to abandon them.
Yes, we are to judge, but we should start with the only person we can change (with God’s help) — ourselves. And when we judge others we should do so in a spirit of humility, knowing that we are fragile, imperfect judges ourselves and, but for God, we would all be hopeless in our sins.
Thankfully, there’s much to learn about judging when we crack open the Book and are willing to read the entirety of what it has to say about this important topic. Thanks Julie for focusing our thoughts on such an important and relevant topic.
Hi Mark, You make a great point! If I were perfect (which I’m not), I would have started with that humble verse in my reply to Julie’s post above of how I’m constantly asking God to search my heart and remove the log from my own eye first. And let’s be honest: it’s not me who does the refining—it’s Christ within me. Without Him, I am nothing.
A big part of that for me has been letting the Lord heal wounds I never fully faced before, so I don’t unintentionally pass them on to my own children. So you bring up a wonderful and necessary point: What about those of us who have invited God into that process—who have laid down our pride, grieved our own sin, and sought healing? Are we not then called to lovingly and respectfully help others with their specks? What about those that refuse healing their wounds and have passed on harm to their children? I’ve walked the painful path. I know it, I get it.
Scripture is clear that we aren’t to ignore sin but to confront it with grace and humility (Galatians 6:1). I think sometimes truth gets dismissed too quickly because of past experiences where it was used to harm us instead of restore. But what if, before we dismiss it, we paused and examined whether there’s any truth in it for us? That kind of self-reflection is what leads to genuine transformation in Christ.
And if we know our loved ones are blind to their own “logs” (as we often are ourselves), isn’t it a disservice to stay silent in the name of “grace and peace”? Jesus Himself said He didn’t come to bring peace, but a sword—to cut through false peace and expose what needs to be healed (Matthew 10:34).
Just some food for thought. I really appreciate your comment—it sharpened my own heart, too.
Thanks Megan for your additional thoughts. The greatest temptation we have in this regard is to go “speck hunting” while missing our own logs. There are many other considerations though when God prompts us to “Judge” and the Apostle Paul speaks of one of the guidelines. Notice what he says in I Corinthians 5:12-13 — “It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning. God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, “You must remove the evil person from among you.””
I’m not suggesting that we must remain silent on many pressing issues of our day or that we should fail to instruct our children on how to differentiate (judge) between good and evil, but our primary focus should not be walking around and continuously condemning unbelievers for their sinful lifestyles, or their immoral practices. Rather, believers should first focus on what Jesus instructed us to do: “In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.” Matthew 5:16
I don’t share these thoughts because I’ve mastered them but I believe they are the standards we should strive for as followers of Jesus. If our primary focus was what the Apostle John told us to do, we’d be much less concerned about judging and we’d set our sights on doing this: “Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did.” 1 John 2:6
This is well said! Thank you for sharing this—it’s so true that judgment starts in the house of God, and that humility is key. I agree that within the church, calling out sin isn’t about condemnation but about love, truth, and restoration. Jesus was full of both grace and truth (John 1:14), and I’m learning how to walk in that same tension.
Regarding unbelievers, you being up a great point. I still wrestle with is how this applies to situations where a believer, especially a child of faith, is dealing with ongoing abuse from unbelieving parents. There’s so much instruction for how believers relate to other believers, but not as much clarity for those of us trying to navigate deep harm from unbelievers within our own families. I’m constantly seeking wisdom and want to do what’s right in God’s eyes, not just what seems right to people. It’s not easy, but I trust He sees and will guide. Thanks again for the respectful conversation .
Very true, Julie. This passage came up in a Bible study I was apart of this week. During the discussion, I heard the Spirit clarify, "Judge in the way you'd want to be judged."
I truly value being able to discuss difficult topics with humility and openness, especially as they relate to our faith and family dynamics. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I’m grateful for spaces like this where we can reflect, wrestle, and learn together.
I believe that allowing the Holy Spirit to guide each of us with discernment is far more appropriate than making blanket statements like “estrangement is always unbiblical.” In fact, Scripture gives us multiple principles that show God values truth, wisdom, and peace, not forced closeness or blind loyalty. We are told to guard our hearts above all else (Proverbs 4:23), and to walk in wisdom when dealing with those who persist in harmful patterns.
The Bible also instructs us clearly to avoid certain types of people:
Proverbs 19:5 says, "A false witness will not go unpunished, and whoever pours out lies will not go free."
Proverbs 22:24-25 warns us, "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared."
Second Timothy 3:1-5 describes people in the last days as abusive, slanderous, and lovers of self, and ends with the instruction, "Have nothing to do with such people."
Many adult children genuinely try to resolve conflict with grace and humility. But when those efforts are met with continued abuse, lies, slander, or manipulation, we must recognize that God does not require us to stay in those environments. Jesus Himself walked away from places where hearts were hardened (John 11:53-54, Mark 6:1-6).
To people who have never experienced abuse from a parent, walking away can often be misunderstood as holding a grudge or being unforgiving. But often, it is not an act of hatred but an act of surrender. It is choosing to release others into God’s hands while protecting the peace He gives us. Romans 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Sometimes peace is no longer possible without compromising our emotional, spiritual, or physical well-being, and in those cases, stepping away and forgiving and praying from afar may be the most faithful decision.
I also think many Christians unintentionally confuse judgment with truth-telling. When truth confronts something we aren’t ready to deal with, it can feel like judgment. And sometimes, in order to avoid the discomfort of conviction, we slap the label “judgmental” on someone who is actually speaking truth in love. But they’re not the same.
For example, the Pharisees dragged the woman caught in adultery into the public square and condemned her to be stoned—not because they cared about righteousness, but because they wanted to shame her and test Jesus (John 8). That was judgment. In contrast, when Jesus spoke with the woman at the well (John 4), He told her the truth about her past relationships not to shame her, but to reveal her spiritual need. That was truth-telling. One was meant to condemn; the other was meant to heal.
Judgment says, “You are unforgivable and you’ll never change.” Truth-telling says, “This behavior is harmful, and I care enough to say something.”
Truth-telling brings things into the light—not to destroy—but to invite transformation. Most adult children have these honest conversations with their parents about how they feel harmed by their parents to invite restoration, not to shame them. Children are biological wired to desire connection and attachment with their parents. Often times, it is the parents unhealed wounds that put false labels on their child for being vulnerable with them calling them “entitled, bitter, ungrateful,” instead of having ears to hear difficult truth with humility. Adult children have to choose at some point… attachment for the sake of fake peace or authenticity and be who God called me to be and be hated for truth-telling (just like Jesus was). It is a kindness to tell the truth when the motives are pure.
When someone speaks truth to me about my behavior, I try to examine it through the lens of Scripture before reacting. Hebrews 12:6 says, “The Lord disciplines the one He loves,” and that discipline often comes through honest, spirit-led conversations. We are called to plant the seed, but it is God who waters and causes growth in His perfect timing (1 Corinthians 3:6).
One of the most misapplied scriptures is "Honor your father and mother." This verse has been used by some to suggest that children must accept mistreatment and disrespect without boundaries. But biblical honor does not mean enabling sin. In Matthew 15:6, Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for misusing this commandment: "Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition." We are to honor our parents, but never at the expense of truth or godly boundaries.
Even Jonathan disobeyed his father, King Saul, to protect David and prevent his father from sinning. He honored God’s purposes over his father’s ego. This account in 1 Samuel 20 shows us clearly that God’s priority is righteousness, not blind loyalty to family systems that are rooted in pride or rebellion against truth. Jesus had stern words for those that caused a child harm and to stumble from Him… better to hang a millstone around his neck and drown to the depths of the sea…
Yes, we give grace for hard days and difficult seasons, but long-standing patterns of abuse and unrepentance are not the same thing. When someone is given the opportunity to repent and chooses not to, continuing to allow access to our lives is not biblical mercy, it is enabling.
So when someone says, "I’ve done everything I can to make things better," I believe them. And I believe God sees that too. Galatians 6:5 reminds us that each person should carry their own load. We are not called to carry someone else’s sin or dysfunction on our backs just to preserve appearances.
Again, I truly appreciate this space to share. Thank you for allowing honest dialogue. I’m open to continuing the conversation and learning from each other in truth and love. Respectfully, Megan
While I appreciate dialogue, it is interesting that you did not address any of the scriptures referenced. Although, the post clearly indicates there are rare instances when separation may be needed, there does not seem to be any biblical justification for the epidemic of estrangement growing in professing believers today. I say that as the child of a violent biological father, who attempted to take my life. Facing my father, when it was physically safe, and offering forgiveness, out of obedience to God, is a key reason I have peace and joy today. If we’re honest, the bulk of estrangements taking place today are not rooted in extreme physical danger.
As The Atlantic recently noticed, despite or likely because, in recent years and for the first time in human history, parents placed their children’s happiness above all else. Play dates, travel ball, expensive hobbies, clothes and experiences, replaced pick-up games, hand me downs, neighborhood friends, and often sacrificial faith. In the process, children largely lost the ability to self sooth and in the process, looked to others often parents as their source of happiness. If they aren’t happy someone must have failed them.
For more gently parented younger generations anxiety and depression are as epidemic as estrangement has largely lost it’s stigma. As a social contagion grew, removing people from their lives, held no shame for those who grew up “unfriending” others with ease. This does not fit the biblical pattern. The Atlantic also notes, in the overwhelming number of cases young people today are less likely to seek reconciliation, because they view themselves as finally having seized control in the relationship. Maintaining the upper hand hardly seems like a biblical goal.
Johnathan did disobey Saul out of obedience to the Lord. Is there any evidence Jonathan became estranged from Saul? No, there is not.
It was not hard hearts that kept Jesus from moving freely among Jewish leaders in John 11. It was their plots to kill him. Murderous plots are not the same as angry words. In Mark 6, despite open ridicule and lack of faith Jesus did heal some in the group rather than abandoning them
Proverbs 22:24-25 warns us, "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared." Friends are not family. We are born into the family of God’s choosing. We must not take that foundational relationship lightly. It is there that we learn to struggle through.
Romans 12:18 does say, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." But the verse alone lacks the context of an entire chapter calling us to lay ourselves down as a living sacrifice. How can we bless those who curse us if cursing cause us to walk away and cut off contact when we are hurt or bullied? How can we overcome evil with good if we cut ties when we experience evil?
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay ,says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Your reference to Galatians 6:5 omits the larger context of the chapter which explicitly includes both a command to bear another’s burdens and share all good things with those who teach us.
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load. 6 Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor.
Despite assertions to the contrary, Matthew 15 does not lower the standard of what it means to honor parents. Jesus condemns religious leaders for encouraging people to fail to care for or financially abandon older family by saying, “I’m being faithful to God.”
3 Jesus replied, “And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? 4 For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother’ and ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. 5 But you say that if anyone declares that what might have been used to help their father or mother is ‘devoted to God,’ 6 they are not to ‘honor their father or mother’ with it. Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition. 7 You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you:
It is a false dilemma to suggest the choice is between fake peace and authenticity in who God called us to be. God called us to be people who test our own actions, bear other’s burdens, to bless those who curse us, to repay evil with God. We are called to be long suffering. If we are not heard we are commanded to engage with witnesses and if possible involve spiritual leadership. While it is popular to say “believe the victim”, how does that work when both sides feel like victims? What if the one repeating their story is wrong? God’s Word says what it says. Separation comes with danger.
I truly admire the grace you extended to your father. Forgiveness in the face of deep harm is never easy, and the peace you’ve found through that act of obedience is a beautiful reflection of God’s healing power. I, too, have chosen to forgive my parents—not by minimizing the harm done, but by entrusting them to our loving Father, who is far more capable of offering the grace and mercy I no longer have to give.
After 36 years of tolerating sinful and abusive behavior, I’ve come to see that true forgiveness doesn’t mean abandoning wisdom or boundaries. It means releasing the burden of judgment while also guarding my heart. I’m asking God to heal my wounds so that I can love from a place of overflow, not depletion. I’ll be ready to extend more grace and mercy when I’ve received more healing from the One who supplies both.
But I also wonder: where is the grace and mercy for the child? For the one who’s finally speaking the truth? Why is it so often seen as ungratefulness or entitlement when a child courageously seeks repair for what harmed their soul? God honors the space we need to heal so He can redeem—and parents should too.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.” —Proverbs 4:23–27
You mentioned that facing your father, when it was physically safe, was part of your Spirit-led journey. For me, that journey has looked different, but no less prayerful and meaningful. I’ve also forgiven, again and again, and I continue to do so. Attempts to reconcile have been made repeatedly and have been met with more abuse. And I’ve come to understand that while we are commanded to forgive, we are not commanded to reconcile in the absence of repentance.
Jesus Himself made this distinction clearly:
"If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him." —Luke 17:3
And in Matthew 18:15–17, which you also referenced, Jesus outlines a step-by-step model for reconciliation—if the person listens, which implies repentance. If they refuse, Jesus doesn’t say "keep forcing connection." He says:
"Let them be to you as a Gentile or a tax collector."
That’s not a command to hate but it is a model for respectful separation when truth is rejected. Forgiveness is required. Proximity is not.
As for not replying directly to the Scripture you referenced, I’m happy to do that now to ease the confusion. My original reply responded to your broader message and the concerning blanket statement that "estrangement is unbiblical," which I believe inadvertently shames and blames survivors of horrific abuse. I understand there's speculation that much of today’s estrangement is just "petty" or "cancel culture drama," but maybe, just maybe, adult children are finally realizing it’s safe to speak up about the real harm they experienced.
Matthew 7:1 and Luke 6:37 – "Judge Not" I appreciate your post’s emphasis on "krino," and I agree that judging by emotion or self-righteousness is not godly. I see where this might be used to caution adult children from making rash decisions based on hurt feelings. But we’re not forbidden to make spirit-led judgments—we are called to.
"Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly." —John 7:24
It’s easy to label a story as petty (judging by appearance) instead of digging deeper with compassion (judging correctly). There’s a difference between judgment and discernment. Estrangement, when done prayerfully and not vindictively, is not about labeling someone irredeemable. It’s about recognizing unrepentant harm and setting boundaries accordingly.
Tolerating and enabling sin is harmful to both the oppressor and the oppressed. Defending oppressors from correction risks much from a biblical perspective. You mentioned there is no biblical support for estrangement. I gently disagree:
"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." —Romans 12:21
"Have nothing to do with such people." —2 Timothy 3:5
"Warn a divisive person once…twice… then have nothing to do with them." —Titus 3:10
These verses don’t contradict forgiveness. They show that overcoming evil with good can sometimes mean stepping away so God can do what we cannot. How can unrepentant parents come to rely on God if they always have their child nearby to blame?
Leviticus 19:18 – "Do Not Hold a Grudge" Absolutely. Holding a grudge is never biblical. But let’s not conflate a grudge with godly distance. A grudge says, "You’ll never change, and I hope you suffer." Boundaries say, "I love you, and I release you to God because I can’t keep enabling sin that wounds."
Sometimes, boundaries are twisted by unrepentant people to fuel further abuse, making distance a necessity for healing. I believe God honors the broken who seek healing as part of His redemptive plan.
In fact, forgiveness often requires distance when harm is ongoing. I have forgiven, every single day of my childhood just to survive, but I no longer give access to those who reject truth and repentance. That’s not bitterness. That’s wisdom. And Jesus made it clear that reconciliation requires repentance.
You asked how we discern truth when both sides feel wronged. It’s a fair question. Scripture tells us to look at the fruit (Matthew 7:16), test the spirits (1 John 4:1), and walk with discernment. For me, I see plenty of fruit in families without dysfunction where conflicts and vulnerability are honored and respected between all members of the family. There is no hostility and no reason for protection, because everyone has the chance to be vulnerable of what hurts their hearts and the offender is humble in listening, acknowledging harm, asking for forgiveness, and letting the Lord change their hearts. This is fruit.
I also want to offer this in transparency:
As a child who endured years of sexual exploitation, verbal, physical, psychological, emotional abuse, and grooming by my stepfather—and who was never believed by any adults (family, teachers, neighbors) who should have protected me, even now—I will always believe the child more than the parent. Always.
Why? Because children are biologically wired for attachment. They don’t break that bond without cause. When a child or adult child speaks up, it is rarely from spite. It’s the final cry of someone who tried everything to preserve the relationship without betraying themselves.
Many don’t remember trauma until later because of how the brain protects itself. This is evidence-based science rooted extensively in psychology. But when they finally speak up, they’re often labeled as delusional, ungrateful, mentally ill, or attention-seeking. It’s a refusal to acknowledge harm and a rejection of truth. Britney Spears is a modern example of this. Imagine a child crying for help, only to be mocked, silenced, or labeled as unstable for losing it after decades of horrific abuse and coercive control.
Jesus was shamed, blamed, and rejected for telling the truth about evil—but not by His mother. And why are children and adult children expected to act like Jesus with demands of grace and forgiveness, while parents get to be “off the hook” about humility and repentance? This is a clear cause of role reversal and it does not align with God’s order of things.
Jesus also gave a stern warning about those who cause harm to children: “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea” (Matthew 18:6). He does not minimize harm to children—He condemns it.
What if adult children speaking out is not rebellion, but fruit of healing? A desire for repair? What if it’s actually a loving invitation for parents to repent and be restored? Maybe it’s grace. Maybe it’s mercy. Maybe it’s the very blessing parents have been praying for—but can’t see because of their own unhealed wounds. Too often, adult children offering this opportunity are seen as entitled, bitter, or ungrateful, when in reality they are crying out for something beautiful. A chance for redemption.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." —Psalm 34:18
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves." —Proverbs 31:8
Estrangement isn’t always right. But neither is assuming it’s always wrong. My reply was to caution against blanket claims that "estrangement is unbiblical."
Scripture shows Spirit-led separation:
When a person refuses to repent (Matthew 18:17)
When someone causes division or harm (Titus 3:10, Romans 16:17)
When someone abuses under the guise of godliness (2 Timothy 3:5)
When closeness perpetuates sin (1 Corinthians 5:11)
When truth is consistently rejected (Mark 6, John 2, Luke 23)
I agree with your heart that we are called to be ministers of reconciliation. But reconciliation requires repentance. Refusing to repent is what’s truly unbiblical. Sometimes the most merciful thing we can do is step back, surrender the outcome to God, and walk in truth and peace. Estrangement should never be a trend. Often it’s not about control or offense. While it may be weaponized, often it’s about protection and prayerful surrender.
As one commenter noted, we must ask God to remove the log in our own eye before helping with someone else’s speck. But if that’s done humbly, then lovingly helping each other see clearly becomes a gift. I’m doing the healing work, I’m acknowledging my wounds so I don’t inflict them on my children. I believe God honors our raw honesty of our imperfections rather than avoidance for the sake of false appearances of perfection.
Thank you again for engaging. May we continue to sharpen one another in love and truth.
I am sorry for what you endured. No one should remain in a place where they are physically unsafe. Unfortunately, half of the families in America are experiencing an estrangement. Of those, cases like yours and mine are a minority. Saying you will always believe one side over the other violates scripture. Proverbs 18:17
Leviticus 19:15-16 explicitly states, "You shall not do injustice in judgment: you shall not show partiality to the poor or defer to the great, but in righteousness shall you judge your neighbor."
Perhaps your own wounding is keeping you from seeing there are many instances in scripture and life where good parents have children who rise up against them. Our experiences do not trump the truth of God’s Word.
You’re right that my default to believe the child first comes from living through real harm that every “responsible” adult ignored and then watching my little brother die because of that silence and complicity.
Children are powerless; parents hold God-given authority that can be abused. Starting with the vulnerable isn’t “partiality”—it follows Jesus’ warning about harming “little ones” (Matt 18:6) and Proverbs 31:8-9’s charge to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.
A fair process still follows Scripture:
Listen to the child.
Test the claim with evidence and additional witnesses (Prov 18:17).
Hear the parent’s account.
Adjust the conclusion only if overwhelming, corroborated facts clear the parent.
Prioritizing child safety doesn’t violate Leviticus 19:15-16; it obeys it. What troubles me is how “impartiality” language can excuse minimizing rampant child abuse…exactly the injustice Isaiah 5:23 condemns. Adults often master the art of cover-up; I saw it firsthand when my stepfather painted me and later my brother as manipulative liars to protect himself. And how readily adults were to believe the adult over the children…If a child is so distressed that they begin fabricating stories about their parents, wisdom asks the deeper questions: where did they learn that pattern, what pain are they acting out, and what in the home—or in the wider circle of adults—has gone unaddressed? Troubled behavior is a symptom that still calls for protection and honest investigation, not automatic disbelief and dismissal.
Impartiality is biblical, but Scripture also clearly calls us to protect the vulnerable, not the practiced (Ps 82 :3-4; Prov 31 :8-9; Isa 1 :17; Jer 22 :3; Eph 5 :11; Jas 1 :27; Matt 18 :6; Mic 6 :8).
And speaking of impartiality, I believe the Atlantic article you referenced might be Dr. Joshua Coleman’s work. Dr. Joshua Coleman, the psychologist whose Atlantic essays on estrangement you referenced, is hardly a neutral observer. Every article carries the byline noting that he is the author of Rules of Estrangement and a senior fellow, but it omits that a core part of his livelihood comes from selling products and private coaching to estranged parents.
Those revenue streams are directly tied to validating the parent’s viewpoint, so his Atlantic pieces—such as “A Shift in American Family Values Is Fueling Estrangement”—function as thought-leadership that also advertises his brand.
That doesn’t automatically invalidate every data point he cites, but it does create a structural conflict of interest that makes genuine “impartiality” regarding his research and statements difficult. When the researcher profits from a single side of the dispute, critical readers should weigh his conclusions against work by scholars who do not depend on estranged parents for their income.
One more addition… wanted to add a gentle reminder (for me, too) that Scripture is called the Living Word for a reason. The Holy Spirit continues to speak through it in every season and circumstance of our lives. While the truth of God’s Word never changes, the way it applies to each of us often looks different because God meets us personally, in our unique wounds, relationships, and redemptive journeys.
That means a verse that speaks conviction, comfort, or clarity to one person may highlight a completely different truth to someone else…not because we’re changing Scripture, but because the same Spirit is applying it according to where we are and what we need.
That’s also why it can be dificult at times to discern the difference between applying Scripture with Christlike humility versus using it to justify our own agendas. We all have blind spots, and we need each other to reflect, pray, and test what we hear with open hearts….not to weaponize, but to walk in truth and grace.
May we continue to listen, wrestle, and be shaped by the Word.. not just for our own convictions, but for the/ good of one another.
Yes God’s Word is Living. That means it has the power to transform us and cause us to do what in the natural we do not want to do. The beauty of scripture is it is universally true wherever and whenever we are. If we are to handle God’s word at all we must do it accurately in context. If we do anything else we will invariably do more harm than good.
I think what you said can be applied to both of us, don’t you think? God’s Word is indeed living, and that means it meets each of us in our specific season and story. It is never black or white simplicity as many try to make it. Humans and God are infinitely more complex than than boxes to fit into. What some may see as division or destruction, I believe can also be God’s invitation to healing and redemption. I guess it depends on what lens and perspective we can view things from.
Jesus endured injustice with perfect love, but He also withdrew, confronted, and spoke hard truths…not out of bitterness, but from wholeness. If we are to bear what He bore, we must first let Him make us whole like Him. That healing happens in His timing, not according to cultural pressures or family expectations. “With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day” (2 Peter 3:8). His restoration doesn’t always follow human deadlines but it is always purposeful. ❤️🩹
Yes, it applies to everyone. God’s word is living. I’d say it is right and wrong is black and white. We either obey or we don’t. As your children grow, you will certainly encounter good parents who have been rejected by their families. I hope you do not become one of the millions. The Bible warns us it will happen.
And regarding “asking for division” when standing for truth, Jesus Himself said:
“Do you think that I came to provide peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division; for from now on five members in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.””
Great advice and solid thinking! I've also clarified this to others by pointing out that God gives judges and rulers the right to judge, but not the regular citizens. I'm not talking about making sure to keep each other accountable, which is also a form of judgement if one thinks about it. Instead, I'm referring to the fact that we should not take vengeance into our own hands or become vigilantes for "justice" that God has not sanctioned.
True, this area of theology could use so much more attention.
One sad fact that you mention is that this “Judge not” passage has displaced John 3:16 as the most quoted passage. Perhaps it’s because too many of us have deployed the concept of judging incorrectly. Rather than looking at the log in our own eye first, we’ve focused and condemned the speck in our neighbor’s eye.
It’s always easier to confront the sins of others than our own sins. In fact, the fact that so many of us do this, suggests that we are either blind to our own logs (sins), or we think our sins are lesser than the sins of others, or we’ve struggled with our own sins and are incapable or unwilling to abandon them.
Yes, we are to judge, but we should start with the only person we can change (with God’s help) — ourselves. And when we judge others we should do so in a spirit of humility, knowing that we are fragile, imperfect judges ourselves and, but for God, we would all be hopeless in our sins.
Thankfully, there’s much to learn about judging when we crack open the Book and are willing to read the entirety of what it has to say about this important topic. Thanks Julie for focusing our thoughts on such an important and relevant topic.
Hi Mark, You make a great point! If I were perfect (which I’m not), I would have started with that humble verse in my reply to Julie’s post above of how I’m constantly asking God to search my heart and remove the log from my own eye first. And let’s be honest: it’s not me who does the refining—it’s Christ within me. Without Him, I am nothing.
A big part of that for me has been letting the Lord heal wounds I never fully faced before, so I don’t unintentionally pass them on to my own children. So you bring up a wonderful and necessary point: What about those of us who have invited God into that process—who have laid down our pride, grieved our own sin, and sought healing? Are we not then called to lovingly and respectfully help others with their specks? What about those that refuse healing their wounds and have passed on harm to their children? I’ve walked the painful path. I know it, I get it.
Scripture is clear that we aren’t to ignore sin but to confront it with grace and humility (Galatians 6:1). I think sometimes truth gets dismissed too quickly because of past experiences where it was used to harm us instead of restore. But what if, before we dismiss it, we paused and examined whether there’s any truth in it for us? That kind of self-reflection is what leads to genuine transformation in Christ.
And if we know our loved ones are blind to their own “logs” (as we often are ourselves), isn’t it a disservice to stay silent in the name of “grace and peace”? Jesus Himself said He didn’t come to bring peace, but a sword—to cut through false peace and expose what needs to be healed (Matthew 10:34).
Just some food for thought. I really appreciate your comment—it sharpened my own heart, too.
Thanks Megan for your additional thoughts. The greatest temptation we have in this regard is to go “speck hunting” while missing our own logs. There are many other considerations though when God prompts us to “Judge” and the Apostle Paul speaks of one of the guidelines. Notice what he says in I Corinthians 5:12-13 — “It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning. God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, “You must remove the evil person from among you.””
I’m not suggesting that we must remain silent on many pressing issues of our day or that we should fail to instruct our children on how to differentiate (judge) between good and evil, but our primary focus should not be walking around and continuously condemning unbelievers for their sinful lifestyles, or their immoral practices. Rather, believers should first focus on what Jesus instructed us to do: “In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.” Matthew 5:16
I don’t share these thoughts because I’ve mastered them but I believe they are the standards we should strive for as followers of Jesus. If our primary focus was what the Apostle John told us to do, we’d be much less concerned about judging and we’d set our sights on doing this: “Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did.” 1 John 2:6
This is well said! Thank you for sharing this—it’s so true that judgment starts in the house of God, and that humility is key. I agree that within the church, calling out sin isn’t about condemnation but about love, truth, and restoration. Jesus was full of both grace and truth (John 1:14), and I’m learning how to walk in that same tension.
Regarding unbelievers, you being up a great point. I still wrestle with is how this applies to situations where a believer, especially a child of faith, is dealing with ongoing abuse from unbelieving parents. There’s so much instruction for how believers relate to other believers, but not as much clarity for those of us trying to navigate deep harm from unbelievers within our own families. I’m constantly seeking wisdom and want to do what’s right in God’s eyes, not just what seems right to people. It’s not easy, but I trust He sees and will guide. Thanks again for the respectful conversation .
Very true, Julie. This passage came up in a Bible study I was apart of this week. During the discussion, I heard the Spirit clarify, "Judge in the way you'd want to be judged."
Exactly. Thanks for the strengthening words.
I truly value being able to discuss difficult topics with humility and openness, especially as they relate to our faith and family dynamics. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I’m grateful for spaces like this where we can reflect, wrestle, and learn together.
I believe that allowing the Holy Spirit to guide each of us with discernment is far more appropriate than making blanket statements like “estrangement is always unbiblical.” In fact, Scripture gives us multiple principles that show God values truth, wisdom, and peace, not forced closeness or blind loyalty. We are told to guard our hearts above all else (Proverbs 4:23), and to walk in wisdom when dealing with those who persist in harmful patterns.
The Bible also instructs us clearly to avoid certain types of people:
Proverbs 19:5 says, "A false witness will not go unpunished, and whoever pours out lies will not go free."
Proverbs 22:24-25 warns us, "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared."
Second Timothy 3:1-5 describes people in the last days as abusive, slanderous, and lovers of self, and ends with the instruction, "Have nothing to do with such people."
Many adult children genuinely try to resolve conflict with grace and humility. But when those efforts are met with continued abuse, lies, slander, or manipulation, we must recognize that God does not require us to stay in those environments. Jesus Himself walked away from places where hearts were hardened (John 11:53-54, Mark 6:1-6).
To people who have never experienced abuse from a parent, walking away can often be misunderstood as holding a grudge or being unforgiving. But often, it is not an act of hatred but an act of surrender. It is choosing to release others into God’s hands while protecting the peace He gives us. Romans 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Sometimes peace is no longer possible without compromising our emotional, spiritual, or physical well-being, and in those cases, stepping away and forgiving and praying from afar may be the most faithful decision.
I also think many Christians unintentionally confuse judgment with truth-telling. When truth confronts something we aren’t ready to deal with, it can feel like judgment. And sometimes, in order to avoid the discomfort of conviction, we slap the label “judgmental” on someone who is actually speaking truth in love. But they’re not the same.
For example, the Pharisees dragged the woman caught in adultery into the public square and condemned her to be stoned—not because they cared about righteousness, but because they wanted to shame her and test Jesus (John 8). That was judgment. In contrast, when Jesus spoke with the woman at the well (John 4), He told her the truth about her past relationships not to shame her, but to reveal her spiritual need. That was truth-telling. One was meant to condemn; the other was meant to heal.
Judgment says, “You are unforgivable and you’ll never change.” Truth-telling says, “This behavior is harmful, and I care enough to say something.”
Truth-telling brings things into the light—not to destroy—but to invite transformation. Most adult children have these honest conversations with their parents about how they feel harmed by their parents to invite restoration, not to shame them. Children are biological wired to desire connection and attachment with their parents. Often times, it is the parents unhealed wounds that put false labels on their child for being vulnerable with them calling them “entitled, bitter, ungrateful,” instead of having ears to hear difficult truth with humility. Adult children have to choose at some point… attachment for the sake of fake peace or authenticity and be who God called me to be and be hated for truth-telling (just like Jesus was). It is a kindness to tell the truth when the motives are pure.
When someone speaks truth to me about my behavior, I try to examine it through the lens of Scripture before reacting. Hebrews 12:6 says, “The Lord disciplines the one He loves,” and that discipline often comes through honest, spirit-led conversations. We are called to plant the seed, but it is God who waters and causes growth in His perfect timing (1 Corinthians 3:6).
One of the most misapplied scriptures is "Honor your father and mother." This verse has been used by some to suggest that children must accept mistreatment and disrespect without boundaries. But biblical honor does not mean enabling sin. In Matthew 15:6, Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for misusing this commandment: "Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition." We are to honor our parents, but never at the expense of truth or godly boundaries.
Even Jonathan disobeyed his father, King Saul, to protect David and prevent his father from sinning. He honored God’s purposes over his father’s ego. This account in 1 Samuel 20 shows us clearly that God’s priority is righteousness, not blind loyalty to family systems that are rooted in pride or rebellion against truth. Jesus had stern words for those that caused a child harm and to stumble from Him… better to hang a millstone around his neck and drown to the depths of the sea…
Yes, we give grace for hard days and difficult seasons, but long-standing patterns of abuse and unrepentance are not the same thing. When someone is given the opportunity to repent and chooses not to, continuing to allow access to our lives is not biblical mercy, it is enabling.
So when someone says, "I’ve done everything I can to make things better," I believe them. And I believe God sees that too. Galatians 6:5 reminds us that each person should carry their own load. We are not called to carry someone else’s sin or dysfunction on our backs just to preserve appearances.
Again, I truly appreciate this space to share. Thank you for allowing honest dialogue. I’m open to continuing the conversation and learning from each other in truth and love. Respectfully, Megan
While I appreciate dialogue, it is interesting that you did not address any of the scriptures referenced. Although, the post clearly indicates there are rare instances when separation may be needed, there does not seem to be any biblical justification for the epidemic of estrangement growing in professing believers today. I say that as the child of a violent biological father, who attempted to take my life. Facing my father, when it was physically safe, and offering forgiveness, out of obedience to God, is a key reason I have peace and joy today. If we’re honest, the bulk of estrangements taking place today are not rooted in extreme physical danger.
As The Atlantic recently noticed, despite or likely because, in recent years and for the first time in human history, parents placed their children’s happiness above all else. Play dates, travel ball, expensive hobbies, clothes and experiences, replaced pick-up games, hand me downs, neighborhood friends, and often sacrificial faith. In the process, children largely lost the ability to self sooth and in the process, looked to others often parents as their source of happiness. If they aren’t happy someone must have failed them.
For more gently parented younger generations anxiety and depression are as epidemic as estrangement has largely lost it’s stigma. As a social contagion grew, removing people from their lives, held no shame for those who grew up “unfriending” others with ease. This does not fit the biblical pattern. The Atlantic also notes, in the overwhelming number of cases young people today are less likely to seek reconciliation, because they view themselves as finally having seized control in the relationship. Maintaining the upper hand hardly seems like a biblical goal.
Johnathan did disobey Saul out of obedience to the Lord. Is there any evidence Jonathan became estranged from Saul? No, there is not.
It was not hard hearts that kept Jesus from moving freely among Jewish leaders in John 11. It was their plots to kill him. Murderous plots are not the same as angry words. In Mark 6, despite open ridicule and lack of faith Jesus did heal some in the group rather than abandoning them
Proverbs 22:24-25 warns us, "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared." Friends are not family. We are born into the family of God’s choosing. We must not take that foundational relationship lightly. It is there that we learn to struggle through.
Romans 12:18 does say, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." But the verse alone lacks the context of an entire chapter calling us to lay ourselves down as a living sacrifice. How can we bless those who curse us if cursing cause us to walk away and cut off contact when we are hurt or bullied? How can we overcome evil with good if we cut ties when we experience evil?
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay ,says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Your reference to Galatians 6:5 omits the larger context of the chapter which explicitly includes both a command to bear another’s burdens and share all good things with those who teach us.
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load. 6 Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor.
Despite assertions to the contrary, Matthew 15 does not lower the standard of what it means to honor parents. Jesus condemns religious leaders for encouraging people to fail to care for or financially abandon older family by saying, “I’m being faithful to God.”
3 Jesus replied, “And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? 4 For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother’ and ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. 5 But you say that if anyone declares that what might have been used to help their father or mother is ‘devoted to God,’ 6 they are not to ‘honor their father or mother’ with it. Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition. 7 You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you:
It is a false dilemma to suggest the choice is between fake peace and authenticity in who God called us to be. God called us to be people who test our own actions, bear other’s burdens, to bless those who curse us, to repay evil with God. We are called to be long suffering. If we are not heard we are commanded to engage with witnesses and if possible involve spiritual leadership. While it is popular to say “believe the victim”, how does that work when both sides feel like victims? What if the one repeating their story is wrong? God’s Word says what it says. Separation comes with danger.
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/01/why-parents-and-kids-get-estranged/617612/
I truly admire the grace you extended to your father. Forgiveness in the face of deep harm is never easy, and the peace you’ve found through that act of obedience is a beautiful reflection of God’s healing power. I, too, have chosen to forgive my parents—not by minimizing the harm done, but by entrusting them to our loving Father, who is far more capable of offering the grace and mercy I no longer have to give.
After 36 years of tolerating sinful and abusive behavior, I’ve come to see that true forgiveness doesn’t mean abandoning wisdom or boundaries. It means releasing the burden of judgment while also guarding my heart. I’m asking God to heal my wounds so that I can love from a place of overflow, not depletion. I’ll be ready to extend more grace and mercy when I’ve received more healing from the One who supplies both.
But I also wonder: where is the grace and mercy for the child? For the one who’s finally speaking the truth? Why is it so often seen as ungratefulness or entitlement when a child courageously seeks repair for what harmed their soul? God honors the space we need to heal so He can redeem—and parents should too.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.” —Proverbs 4:23–27
You mentioned that facing your father, when it was physically safe, was part of your Spirit-led journey. For me, that journey has looked different, but no less prayerful and meaningful. I’ve also forgiven, again and again, and I continue to do so. Attempts to reconcile have been made repeatedly and have been met with more abuse. And I’ve come to understand that while we are commanded to forgive, we are not commanded to reconcile in the absence of repentance.
Jesus Himself made this distinction clearly:
"If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him." —Luke 17:3
And in Matthew 18:15–17, which you also referenced, Jesus outlines a step-by-step model for reconciliation—if the person listens, which implies repentance. If they refuse, Jesus doesn’t say "keep forcing connection." He says:
"Let them be to you as a Gentile or a tax collector."
That’s not a command to hate but it is a model for respectful separation when truth is rejected. Forgiveness is required. Proximity is not.
As for not replying directly to the Scripture you referenced, I’m happy to do that now to ease the confusion. My original reply responded to your broader message and the concerning blanket statement that "estrangement is unbiblical," which I believe inadvertently shames and blames survivors of horrific abuse. I understand there's speculation that much of today’s estrangement is just "petty" or "cancel culture drama," but maybe, just maybe, adult children are finally realizing it’s safe to speak up about the real harm they experienced.
Matthew 7:1 and Luke 6:37 – "Judge Not" I appreciate your post’s emphasis on "krino," and I agree that judging by emotion or self-righteousness is not godly. I see where this might be used to caution adult children from making rash decisions based on hurt feelings. But we’re not forbidden to make spirit-led judgments—we are called to.
"Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly." —John 7:24
It’s easy to label a story as petty (judging by appearance) instead of digging deeper with compassion (judging correctly). There’s a difference between judgment and discernment. Estrangement, when done prayerfully and not vindictively, is not about labeling someone irredeemable. It’s about recognizing unrepentant harm and setting boundaries accordingly.
Tolerating and enabling sin is harmful to both the oppressor and the oppressed. Defending oppressors from correction risks much from a biblical perspective. You mentioned there is no biblical support for estrangement. I gently disagree:
"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." —Romans 12:21
"Have nothing to do with such people." —2 Timothy 3:5
"Warn a divisive person once…twice… then have nothing to do with them." —Titus 3:10
These verses don’t contradict forgiveness. They show that overcoming evil with good can sometimes mean stepping away so God can do what we cannot. How can unrepentant parents come to rely on God if they always have their child nearby to blame?
Leviticus 19:18 – "Do Not Hold a Grudge" Absolutely. Holding a grudge is never biblical. But let’s not conflate a grudge with godly distance. A grudge says, "You’ll never change, and I hope you suffer." Boundaries say, "I love you, and I release you to God because I can’t keep enabling sin that wounds."
Sometimes, boundaries are twisted by unrepentant people to fuel further abuse, making distance a necessity for healing. I believe God honors the broken who seek healing as part of His redemptive plan.
In fact, forgiveness often requires distance when harm is ongoing. I have forgiven, every single day of my childhood just to survive, but I no longer give access to those who reject truth and repentance. That’s not bitterness. That’s wisdom. And Jesus made it clear that reconciliation requires repentance.
You asked how we discern truth when both sides feel wronged. It’s a fair question. Scripture tells us to look at the fruit (Matthew 7:16), test the spirits (1 John 4:1), and walk with discernment. For me, I see plenty of fruit in families without dysfunction where conflicts and vulnerability are honored and respected between all members of the family. There is no hostility and no reason for protection, because everyone has the chance to be vulnerable of what hurts their hearts and the offender is humble in listening, acknowledging harm, asking for forgiveness, and letting the Lord change their hearts. This is fruit.
I also want to offer this in transparency:
As a child who endured years of sexual exploitation, verbal, physical, psychological, emotional abuse, and grooming by my stepfather—and who was never believed by any adults (family, teachers, neighbors) who should have protected me, even now—I will always believe the child more than the parent. Always.
Why? Because children are biologically wired for attachment. They don’t break that bond without cause. When a child or adult child speaks up, it is rarely from spite. It’s the final cry of someone who tried everything to preserve the relationship without betraying themselves.
Many don’t remember trauma until later because of how the brain protects itself. This is evidence-based science rooted extensively in psychology. But when they finally speak up, they’re often labeled as delusional, ungrateful, mentally ill, or attention-seeking. It’s a refusal to acknowledge harm and a rejection of truth. Britney Spears is a modern example of this. Imagine a child crying for help, only to be mocked, silenced, or labeled as unstable for losing it after decades of horrific abuse and coercive control.
Jesus was shamed, blamed, and rejected for telling the truth about evil—but not by His mother. And why are children and adult children expected to act like Jesus with demands of grace and forgiveness, while parents get to be “off the hook” about humility and repentance? This is a clear cause of role reversal and it does not align with God’s order of things.
Jesus also gave a stern warning about those who cause harm to children: “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea” (Matthew 18:6). He does not minimize harm to children—He condemns it.
What if adult children speaking out is not rebellion, but fruit of healing? A desire for repair? What if it’s actually a loving invitation for parents to repent and be restored? Maybe it’s grace. Maybe it’s mercy. Maybe it’s the very blessing parents have been praying for—but can’t see because of their own unhealed wounds. Too often, adult children offering this opportunity are seen as entitled, bitter, or ungrateful, when in reality they are crying out for something beautiful. A chance for redemption.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." —Psalm 34:18
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves." —Proverbs 31:8
Estrangement isn’t always right. But neither is assuming it’s always wrong. My reply was to caution against blanket claims that "estrangement is unbiblical."
Scripture shows Spirit-led separation:
When a person refuses to repent (Matthew 18:17)
When someone causes division or harm (Titus 3:10, Romans 16:17)
When someone abuses under the guise of godliness (2 Timothy 3:5)
When closeness perpetuates sin (1 Corinthians 5:11)
When truth is consistently rejected (Mark 6, John 2, Luke 23)
I agree with your heart that we are called to be ministers of reconciliation. But reconciliation requires repentance. Refusing to repent is what’s truly unbiblical. Sometimes the most merciful thing we can do is step back, surrender the outcome to God, and walk in truth and peace. Estrangement should never be a trend. Often it’s not about control or offense. While it may be weaponized, often it’s about protection and prayerful surrender.
As one commenter noted, we must ask God to remove the log in our own eye before helping with someone else’s speck. But if that’s done humbly, then lovingly helping each other see clearly becomes a gift. I’m doing the healing work, I’m acknowledging my wounds so I don’t inflict them on my children. I believe God honors our raw honesty of our imperfections rather than avoidance for the sake of false appearances of perfection.
Thank you again for engaging. May we continue to sharpen one another in love and truth.
-Megan
I am sorry for what you endured. No one should remain in a place where they are physically unsafe. Unfortunately, half of the families in America are experiencing an estrangement. Of those, cases like yours and mine are a minority. Saying you will always believe one side over the other violates scripture. Proverbs 18:17
Leviticus 19:15-16 explicitly states, "You shall not do injustice in judgment: you shall not show partiality to the poor or defer to the great, but in righteousness shall you judge your neighbor."
Perhaps your own wounding is keeping you from seeing there are many instances in scripture and life where good parents have children who rise up against them. Our experiences do not trump the truth of God’s Word.
You’re right that my default to believe the child first comes from living through real harm that every “responsible” adult ignored and then watching my little brother die because of that silence and complicity.
Children are powerless; parents hold God-given authority that can be abused. Starting with the vulnerable isn’t “partiality”—it follows Jesus’ warning about harming “little ones” (Matt 18:6) and Proverbs 31:8-9’s charge to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.
A fair process still follows Scripture:
Listen to the child.
Test the claim with evidence and additional witnesses (Prov 18:17).
Hear the parent’s account.
Adjust the conclusion only if overwhelming, corroborated facts clear the parent.
Prioritizing child safety doesn’t violate Leviticus 19:15-16; it obeys it. What troubles me is how “impartiality” language can excuse minimizing rampant child abuse…exactly the injustice Isaiah 5:23 condemns. Adults often master the art of cover-up; I saw it firsthand when my stepfather painted me and later my brother as manipulative liars to protect himself. And how readily adults were to believe the adult over the children…If a child is so distressed that they begin fabricating stories about their parents, wisdom asks the deeper questions: where did they learn that pattern, what pain are they acting out, and what in the home—or in the wider circle of adults—has gone unaddressed? Troubled behavior is a symptom that still calls for protection and honest investigation, not automatic disbelief and dismissal.
Impartiality is biblical, but Scripture also clearly calls us to protect the vulnerable, not the practiced (Ps 82 :3-4; Prov 31 :8-9; Isa 1 :17; Jer 22 :3; Eph 5 :11; Jas 1 :27; Matt 18 :6; Mic 6 :8).
And speaking of impartiality, I believe the Atlantic article you referenced might be Dr. Joshua Coleman’s work. Dr. Joshua Coleman, the psychologist whose Atlantic essays on estrangement you referenced, is hardly a neutral observer. Every article carries the byline noting that he is the author of Rules of Estrangement and a senior fellow, but it omits that a core part of his livelihood comes from selling products and private coaching to estranged parents.
Those revenue streams are directly tied to validating the parent’s viewpoint, so his Atlantic pieces—such as “A Shift in American Family Values Is Fueling Estrangement”—function as thought-leadership that also advertises his brand.
That doesn’t automatically invalidate every data point he cites, but it does create a structural conflict of interest that makes genuine “impartiality” regarding his research and statements difficult. When the researcher profits from a single side of the dispute, critical readers should weigh his conclusions against work by scholars who do not depend on estranged parents for their income.
One more addition… wanted to add a gentle reminder (for me, too) that Scripture is called the Living Word for a reason. The Holy Spirit continues to speak through it in every season and circumstance of our lives. While the truth of God’s Word never changes, the way it applies to each of us often looks different because God meets us personally, in our unique wounds, relationships, and redemptive journeys.
That means a verse that speaks conviction, comfort, or clarity to one person may highlight a completely different truth to someone else…not because we’re changing Scripture, but because the same Spirit is applying it according to where we are and what we need.
That’s also why it can be dificult at times to discern the difference between applying Scripture with Christlike humility versus using it to justify our own agendas. We all have blind spots, and we need each other to reflect, pray, and test what we hear with open hearts….not to weaponize, but to walk in truth and grace.
May we continue to listen, wrestle, and be shaped by the Word.. not just for our own convictions, but for the/ good of one another.
Yes God’s Word is Living. That means it has the power to transform us and cause us to do what in the natural we do not want to do. The beauty of scripture is it is universally true wherever and whenever we are. If we are to handle God’s word at all we must do it accurately in context. If we do anything else we will invariably do more harm than good.
So true!
I think what you said can be applied to both of us, don’t you think? God’s Word is indeed living, and that means it meets each of us in our specific season and story. It is never black or white simplicity as many try to make it. Humans and God are infinitely more complex than than boxes to fit into. What some may see as division or destruction, I believe can also be God’s invitation to healing and redemption. I guess it depends on what lens and perspective we can view things from.
Jesus endured injustice with perfect love, but He also withdrew, confronted, and spoke hard truths…not out of bitterness, but from wholeness. If we are to bear what He bore, we must first let Him make us whole like Him. That healing happens in His timing, not according to cultural pressures or family expectations. “With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day” (2 Peter 3:8). His restoration doesn’t always follow human deadlines but it is always purposeful. ❤️🩹
Yes, it applies to everyone. God’s word is living. I’d say it is right and wrong is black and white. We either obey or we don’t. As your children grow, you will certainly encounter good parents who have been rejected by their families. I hope you do not become one of the millions. The Bible warns us it will happen.
Thank you for the thoughtful conversation.
And regarding “asking for division” when standing for truth, Jesus Himself said:
“Do you think that I came to provide peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division; for from now on five members in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.””
Luke 12:51-53